Maria

my daughter is amazing.

airam121@aol.com — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:35:53 GMT

so last night i told emily i love her so much. and then i asked her if she knows what love means.
she thought about it awhile and said, "like when i laugh at things you say, even if i don't think they're funny?"

LOVE IT.

dizzy damn.

airam121@aol.com — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 06:23:48 GMT

my little brother left for college last weekend and in between crying over how much i'm gonna miss having him 2 blocks away from me and being excited that he gets to start this new life, i was thinking about how i started this journal MY first year of college.

i've started to read back through this journal and it's made me realize how much has happened just in these past 9 years and how amazing life is. how much i've actually experienced and learned - even when it sometimes feels like my life has been sort of ordinary.

anyway, it's currently 2:18 in the morning and, though i feel like my mind is raging with super-insightful, philosophical quips about growing up, i totally can't comprehend how to put it into writing at this moment. but yeah, i was thinking that i should give wes the link to this journal...this little piece of me that i've poured my heart into over the years. he's a really cool kid brother; i'm pretty sure he'd appreciate it.

caution: heavy, emotional material

airam121@aol.com — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 06:56:54 GMT

so, lately it feels like way too much of my time is spent worrying about...well, dying. i don't necessarily know when i became so preoccupied with this subject but yeah, it's there. i guess it all started around the same time that i started having so many panic attacks and anxiety disorder. 9th grade.

it's different now though, it used to be that i was scared of dying because of how it would affect me, my existence, what i hadn't yet accomplished, what i had to live for. now it's most definitely about those that i would leave behind; predominantly emily. every time i let myself imagine her without me it immediately brings me to tears. i don't want her to have one single ounce of hurt, or pain, or insecurity...at least not at my hands. the thought of her "wanting mommy" and me not being there destroys me.

i realize that it's pretty self-centered of me...people die every day. every minute. those people have families and friends that love them dearly. why should i be excluded? i know i shouldn't. i guess this is just something i'm going to have to get through...realize and appreciate every day that i'm given to continue my life here on earth. i trust in god to take me when he's ready and to hold the hearts of my loved ones in his hands. but, i just felt the need to write this down. so here it is...

i have known great love and great pain. i have known the joy and excitement to grow life inside me. i have achieved things that at times i thought were impossible. i have been surrounded by an extremely loving and supportive family and friends my entire life thus far. i have felt the warmth and security of falling asleep in the arms of the love of my life.

i am greatly blessed and well, i have to keep reminding myself that even if i do die right now, there are millions of people who have passed without being able to say half of those things. anyway, i'm glad i got this off my chest and hopefully my mind will start to rest a little easier...good night.

just to log for memory...

airam121@aol.com — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 05:09:49 GMT

friendorfaux703 = me
silentspeaker91 = my bro

friendorfaux703 (12:03:00 AM): homo
SilentSpeaker91 (12:03:15 AM): hey baby
friendorfaux703 (12:03:39 AM): your momma
SilentSpeaker91 (12:03:52 AM): sorry i am busy sucking a cock
friendorfaux703 (12:03:53 AM): loves your sister more
SilentSpeaker91 (12:03:59 AM): its actually your dads
SilentSpeaker91 (12:04:01 AM): hold on
friendorfaux703 (12:04:01 AM): shut yo mouf!
friendorfaux703 (12:04:22 AM): awkward
friendorfaux703 (12:04:29 AM): ...that comment about it being my dad's
friendorfaux703 (12:04:40 AM): cuz...funny thing, it's YOUR DAD'S

airam121@aol.com — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:40:54 GMT

wow, it's been awhile since i updated...what can i say, i'm a slacker. anyway, I GRADUATED FROM GEORGE MASON!!! (finally right?). i still have to finish my 4 summer courses though (drawing 2 -with chawky- will be done in a couple days...thank GOD! it has been both physically and mentally draining). then i have popular music in america, english for humanities majors, and a multimedia class. so yeah, anyway, i had a pretty spectacular graduation party with 98% of my favorite people in attendance...i'll go ahead and do a list so i won't forget down the line:

-mom & dad
-wes & ashley
-nan & pop-pop
-the painters
-aunt mary and uncle scott
-mr. & mrs. romyn
-catherine and madeline
-myke turner
-the bevans family
-miskut
-nikki
-jess
-jenn orlick
-little sean
-emerald and jade
-mr. and mrs. galligan
-jon drye
-andrew cohen
-amanDUH
-"naked" rob
...i think that's all...
but we had a big cookout and lots of fun!

let's see what else has been going on...well, we got new roommates (again). jesse and julia totally screwed us since they didn't pay their rent for the last month they were here until 10 days after they moved out and THEN they refused to repair or pay for the damages they caused, didn't clean anything and left us a lovely parting gift: roaches. assholes.

so now we're onto our third set of roommates in the house (andrea and luis and their baby girl), and hopefully it'll work out (at least until october). we're hoping to NOT have to have roommates anymore after i get a full-time job but we'll see how that goes.

alright, well it's time for me to get started on my final project for drawing...a 4 ft. X 6 ft. self portrait (fun! but not really).

airam121@aol.com — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:58:27 GMT

So, things are back to normal (they were the day after the argument) with the fam.
I started taking Zoloft again and trying to be more active on a daily basis, so we'll see how those things help. I just really hate being on medicine, but I guess if it works...

In other news, I may actually be graduating this year (insert shock here). I have four more classes to take after this semester but I'm taking them all this summer so that I can walk in May. So now I'm starting to get exceptionally nervous and, of course, STRESSED. I just feel like I have loose ends to tie up, like there's so much more to do. And also, I haven't gotten TOO excited because I thought I was graduating last year and look how that panned out.

Anyway, I have to do homework and then some yard work (I really am old) and then I have class later this afternoon so "that's all she wrote" for now...

airam121@aol.com — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 03:59:41 GMT

i am so full of rage right now. i don't even know why i'm this angry but i just feel like throwing things. or throwing up.

i really can't take this shit right now. thanks pops. oh yeah, and way to back me up mom.

ch-ch-ch-changes

airam121@aol.com — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 06:32:05 GMT

so, the bearups moved out of our basement last thursday night and on monday night our new housemates moved in. their names are julia and jesse and they have a 2 y/o son named gabe.
we don't really know them, just that julia's cousin is melissa (my friend from back in the day) and jesse used to work at blockbuster, where we saw him all the time.
anyway, apparently they have been living with jesse's parents for the past 6 months and when they mentioned moving out, jesse's mom flipped. she's been calling here and showed up today (in uniform...oh, by the way, she's a cop for fairfax county). apparently she is threatening to call CPS and all this other shit if julia & jesse don't let gabe continue living with her. so, i'm pretty much over the drama already. i hope this all settles down and whatnot and i don't start stressing out so much about my home life. you know, your home is supposed to be your sanctuary -- relaxing to come home to.

i think i'm just ready to live in a house with just my family. hopefully someday soon!

in other news, i had such a random encounter at school today...
i was just about to go upstairs for my dumbass internet literacy class and i saw my friend seth out of the corner of my eye. it was just so weird because it's like, seeing someone in a place where you least expect to see them. the last time i talked to him he was living like a rockstar in california with his band (over it) and had a record contract with virgin records. so ANYWAY, i knew it was him but my mind was having trouble processing it. so i was like, "seth?!" and maybe got a tiny bit over-excited. but seriously, i love that dude...always have (well, ever since junior high). he's just a really genuine, sincere person. so yeah, we talked for a few minutes but then i had to get to class so i told him i'd give him a call soon.

on a completely unrelated sidenote: my husband snores exceptionally loud (he's sleeping next to me right now, that's what brought that up...i'm not THAT random).

well, as overly exciting as this entry is, i'm gonna close for now.

so, like, yeah

airam121@aol.com — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 06:31:13 GMT

not to sound totally overdramatic, but sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in adulthood.

this is your life.

airam121@aol.com — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 05:12:11 GMT

i should probably learn not to expect too much from people. i'd be a lot less disappointed in life.

i'm really thankful for john and becky as friends after all these years.
oh, and happy birthday to me.

...like a hilary duff song...

airam121@aol.com — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 03:53:56 GMT

i love when it rains and i get to snuggle up in bed next to the love of my life (and sometimes the other love of my life when she gets scared in her room). the only way it could be better is if i could actually sleep peacefully instead of tossing and turning all night because i am so stressed out about not having my schoolwork done.

seriously, i totally know how i want this senior project book to be laid out, but it's the actual writing of the text that's driving me nuts. i mean, i thought i was a design major, not an english major.

anyway, we just got back from colorado, where we went for my mother-in-law's wedding. emily was a flower girl and she was just adorable (see below).

that's about all i have to say about that...it was an exhausting trip (mentally and physically) and i'm still recooperating. let's see, what else...we just signed on for another year at this house so that's a little bit reassuring, and chuck promised to paint whenever we re-signed (the living room desperately needs it).
okay, time for more writing about the history of tattoos.

seriously

airam121@aol.com — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 20:50:17 GMT

what the hell is my problem? i can't even sit here or talk on the phone without crying. it feels like depression is just creeping up on me again, or maybe it's just fear. when you finally get to a point in your life where you let your guard completely down, when you remove that last brick from the wall you've built around yourself over the years, that's when it all gets so damn scary. that's the part where people like me just wait around for it all to come crashing down. and when it almost does, but doesn't, that terrifies you even more...because you've had just a taste, enough to leave you with a tiny scar that you will always look at and remember just how it got there, and just how it could have ended in complete devastation.

but it didn't. and i'm still here and he's still here and we're still us...but different, and maybe, just maybe the same isn't what we need to get back to. maybe this new "us" is what we've needed all along; maybe that scar will begin to be the most beautiful thing that ever could have happened to you. but it's the not-knowing, and the inability to predict the future that leaves me sitting here crying like an emotional wreck.

but maybe tomorrow will be better. oh god, please let tomorrow be better.

airam121@aol.com — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 04:13:27 GMT

so they reopened the old town theater and there was a movie premier last night that the nunchucks played at. so wes and i headed up there (even though it was raining and nasty out) to check it out. it was lots of fun hangin with the bro and seeing old friends (omar also played, an acoustic set). haha, so funny that the guys i thought were heartthrobs in jr. high and high school (miskut and omar) are now really good friends...i mean, i guess they always have been, but it's different now in some way.

anyway, my stomach has been all sorts of messed up and i'm about to break down and make a doctor's appointment because it's starting to get on my nerves :[
we leave for colorado in about 3 weeks so that's exciting, but also nerve-wracking because we're driving (yes, all 26 hours) and i'm just not too sure about having a 3 year old in the car for it. but she was pretty good during both trips to chattanooga that i took in january/february, so we'll keep our fingers crossed (and buy a dvd player for the car...haha).

this entry is pretty lame, but whatev. i'm gonna call myke now to tell him happy b-day.

later.

stuff and stuffs

airam121@aol.com — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 03:38:40 GMT

So, as usual, I have left my poor little lj out in the cold.
Things always happen so fast but then looking back, I feel like nothing's changed at all. Life is pretty boring these days, I guess in the sense of spontaneity and excitement that I'm craving. Don't get me wrong, things are in a constant ball of motion with Emily, but it feels like my days have become more and more redundant: wake up, do the breakfast thing, take Cooper and Emily outside to play, come inside and do some work (the NIH stuff), do the lunch thing, clean (well, who am I kidding...attempt to clean), Chuck gets home, hang out a bit, do the dinner thing, work/play on computer more, the end. Since the summer's been here we've also added swimming to the mix, which is always good.

Anyway, as far as events, nothing much in that department either. I worked my ass off last month for this surprise 16th birthday party for Wes. This was the invitation:

and it was in a plastic sleeve with a lanyard attached...like a back-stage pass. Anyway, it all finally went down this past Friday and worked out pretty good except for the old bat across the street from us calling the police for a noise complaint. So only one of the 3 bands set to play got to. Bummer.

So, I got in a huge fight with my brother tonight and maybe said some shit I shouldn't of but he's in this teenage phase for the past 6 months or so and I'm just sick of him being such a moody smart ass. It's just been building up and I guess I thought that all my hard work with the birthday party would bridge the gap that's been forming between us but it didn't, and I've just had enough. I understand I probably went through all that when I was his age but damn it's hard having such a huge age difference between the two of us. And I feel like my parents let him get away with murder. Anyway, I'm on my own team with this whole argument so this is why I turn to my dumbass live journal.

I'm over-tired, over-emotional and over this night.
More later when I'm in a better mood.

airam121@aol.com — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 06:26:08 GMT

i am ricdiculously drunk right now and proud of myself for being able to log onto livejournal evan and type. pretty goodl. tonight was caterhine's 21th birthday party and we went to chadwick's in old town and i saw a bunch of people from throughout the years...really random people. and i know i have spelling mistakes in this but i am too tired to fix them at this juncture. and i just spelled juncture so give me a break. i peed in the mount vernon parking lot and i hope it doesn't pick it up on the cameras because it will be really embarrssing for my dad to go in on monday morning and see that site. it's raingin really hard here.
i didn't intend to be drunk but i don't mind it so much. it's nice to get out every now and then. now it's time fore bed but i wanted to write in here since i haven't in awhile.

that's my piece.
late.

airam121@aol.com — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 05:46:43 GMT

here it is:
*this weekend, chattanooga (again)...yay!
*hurt my knee hardcore when i busted my ass on ice at work today...i hope it feels better soon, seriously
*i'm having creative block like woah...damn coffee shop logos
*i get to see my BFF (myke, duh) next weekend and his BEAUTIFUL baby boy (yay hunter!)
*please let it be spring soon
*emily swallowed a penny last week and it came out today...i am now officially a mom (and also refuse to ever dig through poop looking for pocket change again)
*intense drama with the [extended] fam...shit needs to be over soon (and candace needs to grow up)

alright, i'm wrecked. time for sleep.

airam121@aol.com — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 05:20:11 GMT

my daughter is hilarious. i know this for many reasons, which she gives me on a near-daily basis.
for instance, this evening we were sitting on the couch together and she takes a tissue, balls it up, and stuffs it up her shirt.
now, she usually uses tissues for make-shift "band-aids" and puts them on fake injuries. so, naturally, i asked her, "what's that? a band-aid?" and she answers defensively, "no! it's my boob!"

yes, this is my life. and i love it.

quarter century

airam121@aol.com — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 06:46:08 GMT

dude, i totally turned 25 on sunday. now that's depressing.

it snowed for the first time this winter on my b-day...of course. so that foiled our family dinner plans (and also getting my b-day present from my parents).
we went to cici's tonight though so i guess that (sorta) made up for it. oh well, just another year.

my classes started yesterday...
mondays: art now
tuesdays and thursdays: graphic design 4
i'm glad i'm only taking two classes though because from what i understand, they're both gonna be super work-intensive.
anyway, i don't understand people a lot of the time. i have a love/hate relationship with the human race.

fin.

boredom

airam121@aol.com — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 18:50:08 GMT

the only reason i'm updating is not that anything exciting has happened in my life, but more that i am completely and utterly bored right now. i'm supposed to be designing the new police patch for mount vernon (pro-bono for my pops) but my crazy daughter is throwing a fit about me not letting her use permanent markers.
i feel depressed tonight. i don't know why....boredom maybe.
i feel like i need some excitement. i start school again next week. only 2 classes (maybe 3) this semester.
i'm gonna start working out this week too. like, really this time, i'm sick of still having weight that i gained from emily. i have the worst self-esteem that i've had in YEARS.

ANYWAY!
i guess there is some exciting news i haven't mentioned...our roomies (aaron and tara) had their baby boy (gavin thomas bearup) in november and he is the cutest little man ever. chuck and i are his godparents!
also, andrea and justin FINALLY tied the knot last weekend. so me and emmers went down to tennessee for the wedding (chuck had to work which totally sucked). anyway, lots of fun and lots of drama...i've come to learn that about chattanooga.

alright, that's enough for now, maybe i'll update in another few months....hmmmmmm....

what up lj?

airam121@aol.com — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 17:46:44 GMT

wow, i haven't updated in FOREVER. and that's an understatement.
anyway, here's what's new:
chuck and i celebrated our 3 year anniversary on the 12th of this month...man, time flies, but i'm still totally in love...awwww.
andrea and justin are getting married in january which is totally crazy, but i something i knew was going to happen all along :)
ummmmmmmm school's going pretty well i suppose. taking 3 courses (12 credits)...printmaking, design III (again), and digital bookmaking. my design professor (still) hates me so i really hope i pass her class (this time).
i got another babysitting gig; 3 little girls (josie-2, hana-4, brigid-7) plus my little emily. i'm actually at work right now and sooooo tired. i'm ready to put these munchkins down for a nap so i can catch some zzz's myself.
oh yeah, and just one more itty bitty thing...I'M MOVING TODAY! we're renting a house 2 blocks away from my mom. it's really nice with a huge fenced yard and shed and the park's right across the street. but we have so much crap to do it's unbelievable. we're moving in with aaron and tara which should be really fun.
anyway, i know this is short and cheap but i have to be productive now....or something like that.

airam121@aol.com — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 00:58:07 GMT

this certainly helped. i love jordynn.

mmhmmandthen: how do solve a problem like maria?
mmhmmandthen: how do catch a moonbeam in your hand?
mmhmmandthen: hello love. it doesn't appear as if you're around, but i wanted to say hello. i need some good maria lovin. i'm going to write you soon. give em a kiss. <3

airam121@aol.com — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 23:48:56 GMT

i have a lot of hate and hurt in my life lately.
i realized this today when i got in a fight with some little bitch in the aisle of shoppers food warehouse.
i don't know what's wrong with me lately but i feel like my self-esteem is at an all-time low.
i need to get back on top...i just don't know how.

airam121@aol.com — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 21:27:23 GMT

i'm really frustrated right now.
i told catherine that she could catch a ride to mason with me today when i went to class. well, in the process of trying to get my stuff ready for class (oh, did i mention that i was up til 8 a.m. this morning working?), i had a slight nervous breakdown (2nd time this week). so i talked to chuck and my mom and they both were really supportive and told me to just drop the class and take it in the fall.
so i call catherine to tell her what's going on and she's pissed. because she doesn't have a ride anymore. way to be supportive of your "best friend".

airam121@aol.com — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 07:31:42 GMT

i have the bird flu. and sars. and every other terrible disease known to man.

or i might just have a chest cold and sinus infection...
either way, it sucks.

airam121@aol.com — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 19:14:30 GMT

so saturday night we went to funland...all the outdoor stuff was closed because of the rain...lame. me, chuck, emmers and jon went to joe's crab shack after and then met up with myke, melissa, paul and b.j. it was so good seeing those kids again, i wanna do it more often.
little bro had a show at club east coast last night. aww, i'm so proud of him and he's got an amazing guitar solo.
so anyway, me, chuck, my 'rents, jon and catherine came. i didn't get to finish their band shirts but i'll have 'em by the next show (if i can finally be satisfied with a design).
god, this post is really boring but at least it's not emo (andrew). haha
alright, gotta do my homework for design III now....blargh.

ryan, if you read this, i will be calling you soon to schedule hang out time.